The maid of honor just puked.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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