So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
