So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
