My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
