I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
