good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
