I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
