Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
