if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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