My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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