he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
