Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my phone needs a breathalizer
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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