So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
