i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
