Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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