So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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