im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
