Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
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just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
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Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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