Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
this hospital has no fireball
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
