So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
