is your mom at the bar?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
