I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
