I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
