I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
