I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
