i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just gift wrapped bread.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
