there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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