my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
