Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
