im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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