hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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