just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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