my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
