I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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