I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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