She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
