This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He has the fingertips of a God
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