onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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