Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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