Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
