My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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