tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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