Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
