If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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