Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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