So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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