I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
