My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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