Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
