my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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