My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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