I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
