Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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