Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
accomplished twins. life is a go
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
