I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
