last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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