Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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