My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
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I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
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She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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